dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
