One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
