Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
