Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
