I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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