is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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