and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
