Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
