The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
