Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
