I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
