I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Four minutes until I can fart!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
