I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
