So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
