Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
