I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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