My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
