Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize