Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
