I need help removing her.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
