I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
