Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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