i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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