Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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