I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That's intense
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
