hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
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