By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
