Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
No subtext here. People are naked.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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