First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
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