why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
