I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize