dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
