someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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