What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
