Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
