When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
