I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
