We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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