chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
