Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
