Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
