Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
