Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
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