this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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