i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
