that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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