i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
