If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
