I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
