just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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