is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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