goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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