She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
