omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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