I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i out mim tonsoeep
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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