We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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