i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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